~5 min read

I think most people would agree that the word ‘boundaries’ has a negative connotation, and honestly, a few years ago when I was introduced to the book “Boundaries” by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, I was one of those people.

Fast forward to present day, and one of the things that has been HUGE for me this year (I’m still falling and learning everyday), has been setting boundaries in my relationships (yes, even family). So, with the second half of the year upon us, I wanted to share with you all a few things I’ve learned about being a gatekeeper.

BUT before we get into these tips, I need to preface by saying this:

One of the highest forms of self-love, self-care and, dare I say, self-defense, is self-control.

In hindsight, I could have saved myself a world of pain by setting (and keeping) boundaries on the front end. I won’t lie and say that pain didn’t birth some beautiful things (because all things work together), but still—ouch. Lol

Having said that, I would be remiss if I didn’t address the flip side of this. Now obviously, while setting constraints for yourself proactively is the ideal, it doesn’t mean you can’t also decide to draw a line in the sand once you decide what’s enough and when it’s enough.

How do you know when enough is enough? As a believer, enough for me is when I realize certain situations are in direct opposition of God’s will and the God-given vision for my life. In a more practical sense, if something is stunting your growth in any area, it needs to be contained, reconfigured, or removed. But this takes a high level of self-awareness and self-respect.

Not having boundaries leads to procrastination. Not having boundaries leads to settling. Not have boundaries leads to violating encounters. Quite frankly, the discomfort we try to avoid by setting boundaries, is usually the very thing we need to overcome in order to realize our dreams. Remember: nothing grows in comfort zones. Now, back to these tips. If you’re struggling with setting boundaries, start here:

Be honest. Are you scared? Nervous? Lazy? Insecure? Admit it to yourself first. Whether it’s a reluctant surrender of your ego or a soft whisper in your head, you can’t address what you don’t acknowledge.

Pivot. Adjust things in your life as needed in order to actually enforce your boundaries. External accountability only gets you but so far.

Say “NOt right now”. Contrary to the notion that all No’s don’t need an explanation (this is a whole other post in itself), sometimes a hard NO can be damaging to relationships you actually need or may need in the future. Instead, prioritize and set time sensitive benchmarks/limits.

It’s taken me years to learn that you can do both—honor others as well as yourself. While it may look like difficult conversations and guilty consciences, finding that balance is so worth it. As you navigate what may very well be unchartered territory, please be fair and true to YOU. This requires taking inventory and making sure you know your limits; just because you have the ability to withstand a lot or function at a high capacity, doesn’t mean you should, or that this should be your norm. It can cost you your peace or even worse, your health. Trust me, I’ve got a lot of receipts to back this claim (like actual Urgent Care visit receipts lol).

You can only make healthy decisions about what is good for you, reasonable, and/or acceptable, if you understand your worth and purpose. If you get absolutely nothing else from reading this, know that you are worthy, and that there’s too much hanging in the balance for you to live a life without safeguards.